The Art of Negotiation

In my training program, they are having us read a book on negotiation called “Getting to Yes”. Just as I had figured, everything I knew about negotiating was wrong.

I actually never learned the art of negotiating growing up. My parents had a family business, Jean-Mary Dry Cleaners, but as children, we were never present for business discussions they would have with partners and suppliers. What that meant was I went through college and adulthood never bothering to negotiate anything. Oh Delta charged me an extra $30 for my flight ticket as an “processing fee” because I called them to book the flight? It’s fine. Oh my bank charged me a $30 overdraft fee on 6 separate transactions? Totally cool. I never bothered to argue my way in or out of anything and got taken of advantage of as a result.

I was introduced to negotiating by my friend while visiting a thrift store in Paris. The item must have been a few euros for the item, let’s say 10 euros.

My friend: “Five”.

The cashier: “Heh?”

Friend: 5.50

Cashier: nods

That was it. After paying for the item, he handed my friend the item in a bag and she looked at me and said “worse they can say is no”.

Just Ask

The first part of negotiating is asking for what you want. You might not get exactly what you want but in every situation, I have gotten more than I anticipated. I was listening to a podcast called Dreams in Drive with Kwame Christian on “How to become a better negotiator”. He says people don’t ask for what they want because of fear of rejection, looking needy, or looking greedy. You can get lot if you do.

During my 4th year of undergrad, it was the end of the semester and I saw that I had a homework assignment that was graded wrong. My professor had a rule that we had only one week after the assignment to submit for a regrade. It was nearly a month later but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask, especially since the homework assignments weighed heavily into the final grade. I sent him an email in which he replied no. The next day, I went up to this office with my assignment in hand and he complied. I was actually surprised he caved so easily.

Many years ago, I had a friend that was interning at job at a mid-sized company. During the summer at a pool party, she discovered she was making less than a guy that attended the same university with a similar major, GPA, and work experience. Out of pure curiosity, she brought it up with her manager to understand the reason for the discrepancy and she says the color completely drained from his face. He muttered “I’ll look into this with HR”. A week later, she was given a raise. This isn’t even a situation where she was asking for anything but got more than she anticipated.

The benefits usually outweigh any social detriment. That’s why it’s always worth it to ask.

It Should Strengthen a Relationship

Another thing I learned from the book “Getting to Yes” is that negotiating should strengthen a relationship. This was a puzzling one because it goes against the grain of what I’ve known to be successful negotiation. Recently, I ordered a bed from Ashley Home Furniture. I bought it cash expecting for it to arrive within a few days. 6 weeks later, I was still in a furniture-less apartment. So I decided to stop by the store. When I got there, I asked for the manager and proceeded to yell at him, demanding an explanation, a refund, something, anything. I started to make a scene and he refunded my delivery fee just to get me to relax in front of his other potential customers.

There were a couple of mistakes I made:

1. Did yelling really help the situation? No. I had every right to be angry but coming in guns blazing automatically put him in the defense in which he would try to get me to calm down without losing the order.
2. The best negotiators develop options. I wanted my items in my apartment within 24 hours. He couldn’t deliver on that because it all depended on the manufacturer but didn’t wanted to lose out on his commission either. What we could have done was partner together to get creative with a solution. If we had a conversation, he could have learned that I didn’t need that bed*,*** just a bed. He could have then swapped out the item I ordered with one of equal value currently in stock at the store. He keeps his money and I sleep in a brand new bed that night. In that scenario, we both win. In real life, I waited two more weeks and went back three more times yelling at the same manager. I eventually got my bed and he got his commission but he lost on the opportunity of forming a relationship to secure a recurring customer and I am left to find another decent furniture vendor next time I furnish my place. Neither I nor him truly won.

When you’re in the middle of a war, you’re just trying to figure out how you and only you can win. Instead, negotiate in a way that strengthens the relationship.

Both Parties Have to Win

The last one is really easy but one we tend to forget: both parties have to win. You can be easily fooled into thinking that life is a winner-takes-all game. If you want to go far and build relationships in business and life, figure out a way for everyone to win.

Kwame talks about it in the podcast mentioned before. If I present an option that works only for me and the other person complies, what will happen? I get what I want but the other person may comply begrudgingly. For example, if I get a contractor to work on my plumbing for less than what he would like, he will fulfill the order. However, out of spite, he may do a poor job. This is not winning. Play nice and figure out a way that no one gets screwed.

I’m only halfway through the book but this is what I’ve already learned in negotiating. For 2019, I am learning to get to the yes without burning bridges so that both I and everyone around me can win.

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